i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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