the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
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