I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
