Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
