You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
