ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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