My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
