don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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