Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
