You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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