put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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