So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
What a dumb baby whore.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
