I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
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