So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
