my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
