The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
