please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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