From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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