im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
