i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
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