so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
