Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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