Three words: puerto rican gang bang
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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