Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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