Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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