did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
