The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
