Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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