There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
it's like heaven, but drunker
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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