my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
