i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
sex in a hospital.. check
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
