the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
