I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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