I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
