He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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