I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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