He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
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