between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
