even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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