If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
