I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
