Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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