Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
