If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
