I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
