so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
