Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
