Yo dont text me then not text me
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
