just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
