6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
