Please, let me fuck your mom
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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