paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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