You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
