Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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