I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
