I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
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