then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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