Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
