i just google imaged poop.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
