i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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