The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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