just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
