I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Randomize
